asterisk *

The asterisk character is used to indicate that there is a limiting factor or consideration which makes that thing less important or impressive than it would otherwise be: someone or something considered too minor for mention.

I’ve had a dream, a wish, a goal of being an artist, a creator, a designer: someone who can say, “I DID THAT, THAT IS MINE” while helping people in the process. But, I never knew how to get there. I never felt comfortable deeming myself as such. It felt wrong to self-appoint. I haven’t done anything worthwhile yet, I didn’t feel deserving of the titles. I still don’t. It’s very easy to feel like an imposter. The things that I felt like I needed to do, to accomplish, in order to gain some validity were so overwhelming that I chose to not even try. Failing seemed like a bigger risk. Psst! … it’s not.

The indecisiveness led to stagnation and the stagnation led to pressure and the pressure led to disappointment in myself because I knew that I was turning away from what was meant for me. I was literally, actively, not “doing”. I knew what I had to do, and what I should do, but I made conscious decisions not to. I want, but I doubt, I fear, and I make excuses so I stay the same. And I don’t really want to stay the same. These stages of the process became a reoccurring cycle and it will most likely continue to be a bad and hard habit to shake. However, I’m willing to work at it now that I’ve faced the fact of the matter.

I like to believe that most of us are already what we wish to be, so long as we try to be that thing the best that we can with the knowledge we have at this very moment. For the last couple of years, I felt like I didn’t know enough yet. Like there was still so much to do before I could ever put my creations on clothes … LET ALONE SELL THEM. Me? Having a brand? Starting a business? That is BONKERS - too far out. I recognize now that I’ll never feel ready. I don’t think anyone ever really does.

Insecurity, doubt, and fear have their grip on me. I notice its hold on just about everyone these days. My advice? JUST START. Cliché, I know. Easier said than done, I know.

I’ll let you in on a secret … NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING. I don’t, and I definitely didn’t know what I was doing when I first started. You don’t need to. Just KEEP GOING and it’ll work out in your favor one way or another, as long as your intentions are there. I’ll probably never feel like I’m doing enough, accomplishing enough, or as far along as I should be. But, it’s easier to quiet that skeptical voice when I know that I’m miles beyond where I would be if I never decided to start anyway. Do what you can with what you have. Nothing more is needed.

The asterisk serves a purpose for me: it aligns with the phrase I’ve leaned on for a while now - I’m not an artist … but I could be. This allows me to grow as I go. To be a passionate creative without the intimidating grandeur of it all, to become an accidental expert with time. It gives me the leeway to stop worrying about being a qualified professional in the eyes of those that see me and my work and focus more on being, looking, and sounding like myself.

So, I suggest doing what I did: find your asterisk. Use it. Lean on it. Take the pressure off yourself by looking at things from a different angle. Embrace a view of yourself and your work that doesn’t seem so big. It’ll help make taking the first step feel much less daunting.

You can stall, you can wait, and you can delay all you want, but time won’t stop. And, you can’t ever get time back.

I am not an artist, but I make art. I’m not a designer, but I design clothes. Cut yourself some slack. Put that thing in overdrive and go. It’s not do-or-die. Persevere.